The Facts of Life According to David M Cullen Sr
by Green Kneesocks
Summary: People Under the Stairs. Sequel to Alice's Visitor. Nothing is ever easy on Roach's father when it comes to his children. So why did he thin explain the facts of life to his oldest son would be.


A/N: Do you guys think I should string all of these together into one long story or keep them as ficlets? Anyway, here's some bonding between Roach and his father.

"Honey, I'm home…oh" said David Sr. as he came through the door that evening. He opened the door and stepped into the living room to find his youngest son making stabbing motions at his oldest son with a pencil. The oldest son had run out of nails to bite and was now biting his fingers.

"David, talk to your sons." Said Amanda from the kitchen. Teaching Alice about the inner workings of the female body and spending the afternoon looking for bottles of pee was not the way she pictured she'd be spending her day off.

"What'd you do this time boy?" asked David Sr. as he walked over to Morgan. Dottie hid behind the couch to watch the fight.

"David Jr. and Trysta set me up! I didn't have an pee bottles in the bathroom!" said Morgan. David Sr. took a deep and calming breath.

"You're…peeing in bottles again…wonderful…and David Jr.'s the one who everyone says needs therapy." Said David Sr. in a controlled voice.

"Just 'cause the toilets far away and sometimes I don't feel like getting up." Said Morgan. Everyone, even Roach gave him a look.

"Why not use diapers? They make 'em for kids. There's a kid in the special class, red haired Riley, he needs 'em." Said Dottie helpfully.

"No diapers until you're eighty and I'm dead." Said David Sr. Dottie looked up at her father, her blue eyes welling up with tears.

"Dad's gonna die?" cried Dottie. Roach took a break from his finger biting and picked Dottie up as she began to cry. He bounced her up and down like a baby and made shushing noises.

"Nice, Dad." Said Trysta as she read her summer reading book, Animal Farm, which wasn't as cute and fun as it sounded.

"Not any time soon, people get old and die honey." Said David Sr. This somehow made Dottie even more upset.

"So I'm going to die?" asked Dottie. She got a horrible nightmare vision of herself in a box buried beneath the earth while the people around her went to Chuck E. Cheeses without her…then the rats came.

"No necessarily, you could come back as a ghost." Said Morgan helpfully. If he was a ghost he'd haunt David Jr., and his kids, and his kids' kids.

"Yeah but then you'd watch your friends and loved ones all die and then ascend to heaven. You'd be stuck in limbo with no hope of going to heaven." Said Trysta

"Not unless someone calls an exorcist." Said Donna entering the room with her trusty, and expensive, camera.

"That's a movie that messed me up bad, lemme tell you." Said David Sr. He hadn't been able to go sleep with the lights off for years, much to Amanda's dismay.

"Yeah, but it was one of our best dates. You bought the popcorn and I brought a smile." Said Amanda with a knowing look. David Sr. put his arm around his wife's waist.

"As I recall that came later." said David Sr., kissing his one and only. His children began to mime vomiting.

"Be grateful your mother and I love each other so much, lots of people's parents just barely tolerate each other." Said Amanda thinking to a few people she knew, Mary-Ann and Ronald O'Dell coming to mind.

"Do you guys gotta show it? You're worse than David Jr., and Alice." Said Donna exaggerating a bit. Still it was worse seeing your parents in that state of affairs than it was seeing your little brother and his girlfriend. Roach have her a questioning look and she gave him a look which clearly conveyed that he knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Actually that's in the same vein of what I need you to talk to David Jr. about." said Amanda steering her husband into the privacy of the kitchen.

"Whatever you walked in on is perfectly normal. You know what'll happen if we tell them not to do it, we're not that much older than they are." Said David Sr., his internal-self doing the happy dance. It was good to be able to call one of his sons normal.

"No…you have to give him the talk." Said Amanda. David Sr. gave her a long look.

"From what I've heard from many, many horrible conversations with Messenger and that other boy…what's his name again…?" said David Sr. Amanda gave him long, tired look. She was not in the mood for his cheap attempts at changing the conversation.

"Timothy but they call him Scribe, now let's stay on the subject." Said Amanda sounding every bit the mother she was. David Sr. got the urge to clean his room and eat his vegetables.

"Well to get to my point apparently they all went at it down there because there was nothing better to do. In fact, according to Messenger, sex actually disturbs him. Though, if I saw a bunch of staved, crazy, cannibals going at it I'd be disturbed too. Now, David Jr. and a few others never engaged in cannibalism. Fascinatingly they…" said David Sr. Amanda snapped her fingers in front of him.

"Will you stop rambling on and teach your son about sex and puberty? He knows what physically happened but there are probably some big gaps in his knowledge." Said Amanda

"What else is there to learn that he can't pick up with practice?" said David Sr. A few seconds later in dawned on him.

"I see you don't want to be a grandparent in your early thirties either." Said Amanda in dry tone.

"Point seen and taken, Mandy. I should have known, there really wasn't any kind of or reason to use contraception under the stairs. That's also the reason Miracle was created-"said David Sr.

"Been talking a lot to Messenger, lately?" laughed Amanda. David Sr. looked a little sheepish.

"Dot's been talking to him a lot and one day I took the phone from her and me and him got to talking. He's really a fascinating guy when you get to know him. oh, and he's in no way interested in Dot and if you even subtly hint that he may be he will get very, very offended. I had to learn that the hard way…we made up though. He's a firm believer in life being too short for grudges." Said David Sr.

"It looks like Dottie's not the only one with a little crush on Messenger Robeson. I'll try not to be too jealous." Laughed Amanda

"We were talking about David Jr., Misses changes the subject?" said David Sr. Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Well to make a long story very short Alice had her first period today, don't worry I sorted her out and sent her home for five to seven days. The point is it got me thinking. David Jr., needs someone to explain not only what happened to her but also what's happening to him as well as basic contraception." Said Amanda. David Sr. gave a resigned sigh.

"Well I guess my time has come. You've had to do it twice already and you still have Dot and any other kids we may make." Said David Sr. Amada grabbed him by the arm and dug her nails into him unconsciously.

"We're not having any kids. None. None at all." Said Amanda.

"Ok, Ok, don't rip my arm off." said David Sr. It wasn't like he prayed every single night for the good Lord to bless him with a son who could talk and didn't pee in bottles. Nope. He was grateful for the things he had.

"I won't rip your arm off if you don't impregnate me." Said Amanda diplomatically

"Ok, deal. Send David Jr. into the garage so we can have our awkward father son chat." Said David Sr. he made his way into the garage and cracked open a beer from the old garage fridge that had been old when he was a kid. On second thought he got one for David Jr. too.

"Hey Junior, sit down next to your old man." Roach nodded and sat next to his father. Maybe now he'd know if Alice was Ok. He eyed his father wearily, reminding himself that this man wasn't Daddy.

"_Is Alice ok?" _wrote Roach his handwriting being worse than normal due to nerves and damage to his fingers from biting them.

"Yeah, that's what I need to talk to you about." said David Sr. Roach immediately thought the worst and began to take short, shallow breaths. Alice could be in the hospital bleeding to death internally and there'd be nothing the doctors could do and then-

"She's perfectly fine! Stop breathing like that, boy." Said David Sr. wishing he could do nothing more than beat his head against the wall many, many times.

"_How do you know?" _wrote Roach

"Because I have three older sisters, two daughters over the age of twelve, and I've been married to your mother for almost half my life." Said David Sr. Roach looked confused.

"_So you know a lot about girls? What's that got to do with what happened today with Alice?" _wrote Roach. David Sr. took a deep breath and a swig of liquid courage.

"Have a beer with your old man." Said David Sr. Roach popped it opened and took a sip. He forced it down, he had eaten worse.

"So you can taste? Good to know." said David Sr. jovially. Roach gave him a very Amanda like look that clearly told him to get back on the subject.

"Well, I know for a fact that Alice will be perfectly fine. She didn't cut herself, the blood came from…uh…it means she's not pregnant. Every month she'll bleed for five to seven days and either yell and yell or cry and cry. Phew! Now onto what's happening to you."

"_But boys can't have babies, Messenger said so." _Wrote Roach. Messenger had been very adamant about that. His father gave him a long look.

"Which brings me to something else you need to know; if you want to know about growing or sex or anything like that ask me, not Messenger. I'm assuming that with my five years and four kids on his I know just a little bit more about that stuff then he does." Said David Sr.

"_I know what sex is and I'd never hurt Alice like that." _Said Roach. David Sr. tilted his beer back and let it run down his throat. He needed this.

"It's not a bad thing. Why do you think it'd hurt Alice? Well, it does the first few times but not too bad if you do it right." Said David Sr. not wanting to examine the implications of what his son said.

"_Because it's terrible. Because it leaves you feeling like you're nothing. It's like a big, gaping void of blackness. It's humiliating too. I'd never hurt Alice like that." _Wrote Roach. He could still feel it, the pain. The worst pain he had ever felt. Worse than even getting shot.

"No it doesn't. It's a beautiful thing between two people who love each other. If it ever isn't then it's not sex. Do you understand?" said David Sr. opening another beer. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to acknowledge it.

"_Not from what I've seen." _Wrote Roach

"Well no offense, Junior, but you lived in a demented version of the Addams Family for ten years. Sex between two normal, good, non-related people is wonderful. In fact, it's even more wonderful when you make sure that you don't have a baby." Said David Sr. Roach gave his father a questioning look.

"_When a boy and girl have sex they don't always have to make a baby?"_ wrote Roach. David Sr. was grateful at the change of topic. If they didn't talk about, or acknowledge, what happened in that house.

"No they do not son, they do not. It's all thanks to modern medicine and contraceptive technology. In fact, let's go upstairs so I can traumatize you in ways my father never saw fit to traumatize me." Said David Sr. Roach shrugged and nodded. He didn't know why a girl would want to have sex outside of wanting a baby but he didn't know very many girls and his father had been married to his mother for almost twenty years.

"So how did it-" started Amanda. David Sr. walked past her, he was a man with a purpose and that purpose was to keep his son from making him a grandfather. It was amazing, in a way, how normal his mute and mutilated son was.

"Traumatizing the boy, send me Morgan in three years." Said David Sr. Amanda looked at him like he was crazy.

"Morgan…?" said Amanda skeptically as she looked into the living room as her youngest son ate the melted chocolate bars he hid in the couch cushions.

"He'll get taller and leaner, I know I did." Said David Sr. as he went through the house, up the stairs, and to his and Amanda's bedroom.

"Uh…have a seat and we'll get through this as best as we can." Roach sat down on the bed and looked up and studied his father. He was nothing like Daddy, not that Roach wanted to compare the two of them, and he seemed to be what Roach wanted to be when he got older and married Alice. He decided that he was going to model himself after his father because he was a hell of a lot better than Daddy, even if he did make Roach nervous sometimes. Not right now, now he just looked uncomfortable. Daddy never, ever looked uncomfortable even that time Roach tried to kill him.

"_Why would a girl have sex with a boy if she didn't want a baby?" _wrote Roach. It was a question which had been rattling around in his head. He could understand making Alice happy and giving Alice a daughter but he couldn't imagine Alice putting herself through that for no reason.

"Because it feels good for them too, if it doesn't then you're doing it wrong and I'm not going to tell you how to do it right. I don't think you need to be traumatized any more than you already have been. It's best when you try to eliminate the possibility of having a baby before you're ready." Said David Sr. rooting through his bedside drawer.

"_Me and Alice will have a baby when she feels like it and I don't know when that will be, she hasn't really said anything about it. I could go either way on the subject. It'd be nice to have a son, I think. Messenger and Headbanger are having a daughter and they seem pretty happy, mainly because they won't have to smother it when it's born so it doesn't have to suffer." _Wrote Roach. David Sr. read that twice.

"…Don't smother any of your children." Said David Sr. after a very long while. Roach looked offended at that, and he was.

"_I don't plan to. My kids aren't going to be born under the stairs, they're going to be free and safe and happy and I'll give them whatever they need to live." _Wrote Roach

"I'm sorry if I offended you, I really am. Well, what I'm trying to get at is, you two shouldn't have kids before you're both ready. I can't tell you when that is, there are some things a father can't order his son to do and not to do. Remember, having kids just to prove a point that you're a man or whatever isn't smart. Having a kid because you want to, because you and her make a mutual decision to create another life is perfectly fine. Maybe that's tomorrow, maybe that's in ten years, I don't know. What I do know is that you love her, you stayed in that hell for her, and I'm not going to pretend to know why. I'm not even going to ask because I can't tell you exactly why I love your mother. I'm just saying that anything that you do and will do with her is not bad or wrong or anything else that's been beaten into your skull and it doesn't have to trap you and her in a situation you can't handle." Said David Sr. Roach looked thoughtful for a moment.

"_I love Alice because she's Alice, I don't know why myself. I know that I would never do anything to hurt her, ever, but you say that it won't be horrible. I can kind of see what you mean by that but I'm still scared of hurting her. If it ever does come to us doing that it would be nice to know how not to have a baby because I don't know anything about taking care of them." _wrote Roach

"Well then that brings us to basic contraception. This is a diaphragm, I'm not sure why they call it that but it's an internal thing that women have to keep from having kids. It's good to know about the female end of it too, better to know now then to be surprised when you're married. Oh, and this isn't completely fail safe, that's how Dottie got here." Said David Sr. wishing he could melt into the bluish greyish rug he always hated. Surprisingly his son didn't look bothered by this at all. Right…cellar…damn…

"These are birth control pills, they only make 'em for women for some reason. They have to take them at the same time every single day or they don't work. Trust me, that's how Morgan got here." Said David Sr. mentally kicking himself. He always overshared when he was nervous.

"_How did I get here?" _said Roach. David Sr. rubbed the back of his head nervously. He almost wished they were talking about the cellar again, almost.

"Two reasons, boy, two reasons. The first of which being that women are very fertile after they have kids. I didn't know that, I really didn't but after all these years I've hit the library numerous times in an effort to educate myself. The second reason being that trying to pull out right before you finish is like playing Russian roulette. Not that I'm not grateful to have you, I am." Said David Sr. Roach nodded, good to know. So he was an accident…huh…that actually kind of hurt.

"_Were we all accidents?" _wrote Roach. David Sr. shook his head.

"All of you but Donna were unplanned, I won't lie. Not accidents, you were all unexpected blessings. I thank the good Lord every single day that he blessed me with you five. I'm your father and I'll love you no matter what." Said David Sr. Roach smiled up at his father, showing his identical big gums small teeth combination.

"We had Donna all those years ago because I wanted to marry your mother. I proposed, she agreed, but both of our families said we were too young. We did what seemed like the sensible thing, we purposely made Donna and tried to run away and start new lives in Missouri. That…didn't go so well. Don't do that. I fully support any direction you and Alice want to take your relationship." Said David Sr. He'd rather have his son and Alice living as man and wife under his roof than running away.

"_So me and Alice can get married without having a baby? But I kind of want a son, sort of. Someone to take care of, a little piece of Alice and me, you know?" _wrote Roach. His father was, in his mind, actually becoming less like his a father and more like a friend. He associated fathers with Daddy after all.

"Well…now isn't a good time for the two of you to have a baby. If you're just having a kid, and I'm not saying you're like this but in general, if you're just having a kid to have sex without feeling like you're hurting her it's a bad idea. It's one thing if she forgets to take a pill or a condom breaks but it's another thing to go around making a baby for selfish reasons like that." Said David Sr. sitting next to his son while still keeping some distance. Roach was grateful that his father respected his personal space, it showed that he cared.

"By the way, this is a condom and it will break if it's expired, on wrong, tow are on at once, or if it's just not a good brand. This is purely a guy thing right here. They make things like this for women but I don't have one on hand. Just remember, check the expiration date, never use two at once, and if it's creeping up it's on backwards. I'll tell you what you're mother told Donna; if you need one they're in our bedside drawer. We won't judge or lecture you for being safe with whoever you're with. Any questions?" asked David Sr. praying his son didn't have any.

"_How do I know when it's the right time to do that with Alice? How will I know if she likes it? How will I know what the right time to have a baby is?" _wrote Roach, his pencil worn down to a nub by this point. David Sr. let out a long suffering sigh.

"You kids can never let anything be easy on me, can you? Well if you want to I'd just come out and ask her if she wants to and if something feels good. Asking is best. The right time to have a baby…well it's not like I can just say 'October 3rd at six seventeen p.m.' or anything like that. I'd wait until you have some money to your name. You could always right a tell all book, lord knows we have enough people hounding us. You could make a lot of money like that and then you two could get married and have as many kids as you want." Said David Sr. Roach smiled and nodded.

"(Thanks, I'll start now.)" said Roach before getting up to get more paper. He was grateful to have a plan now, and for it to be OK to be with Alice like that. He'd just have to work up the nerve to ask her…eventually.


End file.
